- Pic by my wonderfully talented friend: Angelia Sims
I love my son. Sometimes, I don’t think I truly understood the dimensions of love until I had my son. I even have a greater love for my husband, since we’ve had our son. He is such an awesome Daddy and to watch them together makes my heart literally swell.
As a “special needs mom” I have to subject my son to things that are painful (and as he’s getting older “scary”) but that are for his greater good. I hate it. It deflates that heart, that just moments ago was swelling with love and happiness.
From surgeries (he’s had 9 in 2.5 years), to daily injections that I administer – I constantly guilt myself for the emotional trauma that I’m afraid I am subjecting him to.
I know he needs these surgeries, these medications, these tests…but HE doesn’t know that. All he knows is Mommy is coming again with another shot. Mommy is allowing these people to hurt me. It kills me. It is one of the worst things about dealing with this stupid, stupid disease.
But, my little warrior, he doesn’t let me wallow in guilt for long. As soon as the shot is done, he has a request.
“I just want you to hold me mama. I want you to rub it.”
I thank you God for this beautiful, beautiful little man – and for allowing him to show me that He (like You) loves me still.
Follow me on Twitter
I hadn’t really thought about this kind of guilt before. I feel it every night when I get Colby’s sleeping meds together and when we go for botox and stuff like that I just hadn’t realized that’s what it was I guess. I also feel survivors guilt. So many lost their kids when we were in the hospital how am I so lucky I get to still have mine with me. I’m working on getting over it.
I completely understand… Oddly enough I think when we started doing blood draws every 3 days with my son I was still in shock of the PKU diagnosis. Now that I have a new baby girl it really hit me. She is 6 months old and some test nights as she screams because we are holding her down and pricking her heel over and over (some days she doesn’t bleed as well to fill in the test paper!) I cry. I just feel awful. I do it because I love her. I hope she understands some day.
It is difficult to “hurt” your child for their own good, and yes, it does cause a bit of guilt.
I can’t wait till they can prick their own fingers!! But, don’t get me started on the food restrictions. I also feel guilty eating around my son right now.
What a beautiful post. You are an amazing woman.
Big hugs!!! And tons of prayers for your family!
Welcome to the SITS community!
Erin/Owen’s Mom: It’s tough. So glad they love us anyway
Hallee: Thanks honey! That is a great compliment!!!
Jeannie: Thanks for the welcome!
You have such a sweet heart. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to constantly have to “Hurt to Help”.
I can’t even imagine how hard it must be to have to be the one to administer shots to your child daily. Just remember you are doing what is best for him and when he gets older he will realize that. {hugs} Thanks for the beautiful post.
Thanks Alicia & Theresa
((HUGS))
I admire you~ you carry a lot! A special Mom you are…..We all take too many things for granted. Thanks for the little reminder of how lucky I am.
This post truly touched my heart. Thank you, Christy, for pointing it out that it is okay to be real.